It’s a hot afternoon, but Jubilee has convinced me to take her to the pool. As I sit on the side with my feet in the water, she performs splashing arabesques and stops traffic in the lap lane.
“Jubilee! Jubilee! Ju-bil-ee!” I call from the sidelines, finally standing up and raising my voice.
My oblivious little sister eventually clues in and swims out of the way. Just an ordinary poolside moment, yes? Not so much. Until that moment, nobody had realized that Jubilee and I were there together. I was just a casual observer to the aquatic activities, and Jubilee was some unsupervised kid from the neighborhood most likely. You see, Jubilee’s black and, until I spend a lot more time poolside, I’m as white as mashed potatoes. People don’t automatically pair us together, and that’s okay. We don’t expect everyone to understand immediately, but when folks do find out that four my siblings are adopted, they are accountable for their own words and actions. Here are seven things we want people to know about adoption.
1. They know they’re adopted. We know they’re adopted. Everyone knows they’re adopted! You would be surprised how many people think it’s faux pas to mention the fact that my siblings are adopted. People ask questions like, “do they know they’re adopted?” and sidestep the word like it’s an obscenity. Trust me, it’s much more offensive for you to say, “took her in” or “let him live with you” than to use the word “adopted.” It is not a bad word in our house and we use it all the time when talking about our family and other families we know. Of course, adoption isn’t anyone’s entire identity, so overuse of the topic can be annoying. Which brings me to number two…
2. Adopted kids are…kids. “Adopted” is just one of the many words to describe them. Don’t be afraid to talk to an adopted kid like you’d talk to anyone else. They like sports, ice cream, drawing, making friends and pestering each other. Sound familiar?
3. Pretending you don’t notice the difference is just embarrassing. I don’t teach my siblings to be colorblind. I teach them to see and appreciate the differences in everyone. As in many cases, my siblings turned my family into a multiracial family. Pretending like you don’t notice they’re black isn’t helpful; it’s actually kind of humiliating. There is no need to point out the ways we might favor each other or ask what order we were born in. Everyone with one good eye can see that he’s my brother-from-another-mother! Again-they know they’re adopted and we’re all okay with that.
4. Her history belongs to her. I usually cringe at the attempts to be politically correct when it comes to race and adoption, but the truth is, there are some things that are inappropriate to say or ask. Unless you have a very, very close relationship with the adopted child, it is not okay to ask about why they were put up for adoption, how they’re settling into a new family, if they miss their “real mom”, etc. Imagine if someone asked you about your last doctor’s appointment, your failed relationship and your childhood fears all at once? There is such a thing as private information, even for young children.
5. I’m not African, you’re not African, THEY’RE NOT AFRICAN. Assuming black kids with white parents are African=not cool. As you get to know someone, you are given the freedom to ask them questions such as, “Where are you from?” Until then, keep your mind open. Just because they’re black, doesn’t mean they’re from Uganda, even if you think they look just like some Ugandans you used to know. They might be from Houston or Haiti. And just because he’s Hispanic or she’s Asian…you get the idea.
6. A different kind of different than you. Now, this should really go for all kids and all people, but speaking from the perspective of an adoptive sister, please don’t act shocked or rude if you learn something about my siblings that surprises you. Information, for example, like they still wet the bed. They have nightmares after watching G-rated movies. They have weird habits. They can’t swim. They have trouble reading/speaking. They have unique-seeming rules. They are not affectionate. They are overly affectionate. They prefer to observe other children playing rather than interact.* Adoption always follows trauma in a child’s life, whether at day one or year seventeen or a lot in between. Adopted children often suffer from attachment disorders, learning disabilities, delays, emotional health issues, etc. Likewise, please don’t be surprised to hear information about my siblings such as, she makes all A’s, he is very popular, they love vegetables, she excels in music, he has leadership qualities, they are mature for their age. Adopted children are all unique, just like anyone else, and they grow, learn and excel at various speeds.
*this really was an example, these don’t all apply to my siblings but are merely common issues.
7. They neither want nor need special attention. Adoption is a very sensitive issue, but the special attention ends at sensitivity and propriety. If you feel the need to spoil an adopted child (in a class you teach, or one of your friends’ kids etc.) please try to resist! I have written before about tried-and-true ways to help adoptive families make smooth transitions, but as far as coddling, showering with gifts and generally making them feel like a pitiful orphan who has probably never had a piece of candy before, abstain! It’s not fair to anyone (especially if they have siblings who were not adopted!) and will likely undo the sporadic parenting they’ve received.
(End Rant)
In conclusion, remember that we all want to fit in. We all want to be that crazy balance between normal and special. Just because you notice something really unique about someone else, doesn’t mean you need to inform of him or her of it. And just because they freely talk about it, doesn’t mean you need to be quiet and scared to step on toes. In our community, adoption is extremely common. We rarely deal with racism, nasty looks or dumb questions. At least, compared to those in other parts of the world, I’d imagine. And yet we still have to talk through silly inquiries and explain things to friends from time-to-time. There was that one time that someone approached my older sister (biological) and told her that it was “so great” what she was doing (buying a Starbucks) for “that little girl” (adopted sister.) Talking over someone’s head when they’re right there about something you obviously don’t understand is offensive, and I don’t think it’s wrong for me to say so. Jubilee is sweet and fairly innocent, so she thought that girl was just really weird and confused, which we assured her was true. I thought that girl was way out of line, which was also true. Don’t be that girl. Be smart and be a friend. Life’s hard enough without labels and looks.
Everly
Caroline Rose Sanders 
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